Being a Mistress
Being a mistress is, in many respects, the perfect sexual situation. You get wined and dined and treated like a lady, you get as much sex as time permits, you may even get a contribution towards the rent (but you don’t have to wash anyone else’s socks) and you certainly don’t have to put up with sport on the TV or have to deal with them coming back drunk from the pub.
Moral DilemmasHaving an affair with a married man isn’t socially or morally nice. We all hate being cheated on, and there are no two ways about this; you are enabling a man to cheat on his wife. This is one of the reasons for making sure that the affair remains essentially meaningless. Fun, entertaining, satisfying, but meaningless.
There is a difference for the man, and therefore for his wife, between him having a love affair and having a mistress. Too many women are left reeling with pain years, or even decades, after a man takes the taxi ride into another relationship for it to be in any way acceptable to do this. So make sure neither of you fall in love. Set rules and stick to them, and if he even thinks about thinking of leaving his wife, end the affair there and then. Follow the Wiccan philosophy of ‘do what you will, but do no harm’.
Being a mistress only suits women who are not looking for commitment in a relationship. There are unattached men out there, and aside from the damage it will cause to his wife and his children, a man who can skillfully lie to his partner is no kind of partner to choose. From a simple point of self preservation, if from no other, if you are looking for a partner do not seek out married men.
However, if you’re going to do a thing, for goodness sake do it well! If you follow the guidelines in this entry, you will both have lots of pleasure and lots of fun, and you will minimise the risks of pain for all three of you. Be under no illusions, you are playing with fire. It is compelling, it is fun, it keeps you warm at night, but you can all get badly burned1.
So, here are a few simple rules to follow to be the perfect mistress.
‘Who Needs a Heart, When a Heart Can Be Broken?’Don’t Fall in Love and Don’t Get Emotionally InvolvedChoose a man who makes you feel wonderful; choose a man who makes you laugh; choose a man who is good in bed; but don’t choose someone you are going to fall in love with. The moment his failings start to become cute, concentrate on just how annoying they are. And the moment that you become emotionally involved he can hurt you. This is about feeling good, not about feeling pain.
Keep It LightThe time you spend together will be limited, so make sure it is good. Put in the effort. Dress up, turn off your mobile phone, light candles, be in a good mood, make sure he has a good time (if he does, you will too), and only say yes to a date if you can both be undistracted.
We had to meet on the Thursday because Man U were playing his team at home on the Sunday. This is one of the ground rules you should set out at the start of the affair. Make it clear that you want his body, his company, his attention, and some of his time, but that you do not want commitment. You won’t let him damage his marriage, and you will end it if he falls in love.
However, don’t necessarily panic if he says he loves you he may well not really mean it. Remember, this is a man who lies to women.
Set Ground RulesSetting the ground rules for both of you at the start of the affair means that it is easier for both of you to keep it light and run as few risks as possible. And by setting the ground rules, even though a lot of them appear to be disempowering, you will in fact be calling the shots.
Never Make Phone CallsThe big advantage of making him phone you is that when you do talk to each other it is because he wants to talk to you. He will have the time and the privacy, and hopefully nothing else on his mind. You can both enjoy the phone call without any strain or stress.
The two last times I phoned I expected him to be either at work or driving home both times he was with his wife on a train, going away on a long weekend or a holiday. It also reduces the strain on you, because you won’t sit around waiting for a phone call that never takes place, you just get on with your own life. And if he phones when you cannot spend time on the phone, it will gently remind him that he is not the only thing in your life.
Never Complain, Never ExplainKeep your own life, let it be quite clear that he is only a part of it. If you cannot meet him, don’t go into long explanations about why. A good additional rule is that as soon as someone becomes part of your private life, then you never tell them about any other aspect of your private life.
If he is having a particularly busy time at home or at work and can’t see you for a while, don’t complain about it he will get more than enough nagging from his wife. In particular, don’t talk about his wife. You can end up in the odd position of giving your lover marriage guidance counselling and this is bad for all three of you. You are not his best friend, you are his mistress, and it is inappropriate for you to know too many details of other parts of his personal life. If he does happen to moan about his wife never contribute to it. It’s all right for him to complain about his wife, but he will resent someone else doing it.
Sauce for the Goose is Sauce for the GanderDon’t assume that you need to be faithful to him. A lot of women are used to the idea that fidelity is a trait to be valued, and a lot of men think it’s something they deserve even if it’s strictly one sided. This is obviously something which could cause problems in your dealings with him, and if you can manage to keep any other lovers a secret you should do so. Of all people in the world, the man who takes a mistress has no right to expect exclusivity2.
Having done my share of mistressing (in my younger and wilder days, of course) I think one point that might be driven a little bit harder home is that he has no right to demand your sexual fidelity. Perhaps if you’re a ‘kept woman’ that negotiation might change, but for a pure and naughty mistress, forget it. Once upon a time when I was smart enough to know better, and naive enough to listen to him, I went through a world of hurt dealing with a jealous, married man. However, it is far better to look back on something which has always been good for both of you, than it is to have your most recent memories bad ones. In many respects the best affairs are time limited.
I had an affair with someone while we were both on an assignment abroad. The first night we slept together I said ‘this is overseas only'; he gave me a very odd look as if to say ‘well of course it is’. It ended a little too soon as a result, but every single night we were together was a good one, and he still phones me every now and again for a chat. He may not be paying for sex directly, but as well as paying for the nights out with you, he will be buying gifts for his wife. Don’t be threatened by these, and don’t be offended.
When the affair was over, he bought his wife a conservatory and had fitted units put in their bedroom, and remodeled the bathroom. I was impressed. I certainly didn’t want him to buy me a conservatory too, but I felt it showed just how much he had enjoyed his time with me if he felt about 20 grand’s worth of guilt!However, that 20,000 is put into the shade by the following guilt gifts:
The two years I was with someone cost him dear. During that time he bought his wife all the things he had previously refused to buy her. These things included a second house, a swimming pool, having the garden landscaped, two new cars, over 200,000 worth of house re decoration, approximately 50,000 worth of diamond jewellery and a mink coat! Then he had to install a very expensive burglar and fire alarm system and large safe to keep it all secure.
He obviously does not feel the same way about his wife as he did on the day that he promised to ‘cleave to her only, till us do part'; but, someone who has a vested interest in keeping his marriage in good health is the perfect part time lover. Too many men will only get off the bus if there is a taxi waiting, and causing that much grief and pain to another woman is bad for everyone. If he does leave her, what on earth makes you think he will be faithful to you? You already know he tells lies.
It is a good policy to tell him that if he leaves his wife, you will leave him. That particular threat keeps a man’s mind focused on keeping both of you happy.
You Never Know, You Might Like HerIf your lover always goes for one type of woman, it is very likely you would actually like his wife very much indeed.
My last husband always used to call me ‘Hazel’, and he always bought me White Linen perfume from Este Lauder. I didn’t like either of these habits. I discovered why he did it when he collapsed once and I thought he was going to die. I was wrong as it turned out, but I thought I should get in touch with his two previous wives and his secretary. I suspected that he was having an affair with her, and I was right. They all came, and we spent the afternoon sitting and talking by his bed, while he was hooked up to the monitors. It turns out that he had called all of us ‘Hazel’ and bought all of us White Linen, even though none of us could stand the stuff. He woke up at one point, looked around the room, and not surprisingly he passed out again.
His secretary and I spent the evening in my apartment drinking wine and talking about him. The long and the short of the story is that I ended up divorcing him, but she has become one of my best friends.
Be a Goddess, but not a Domestic OneKeep the Magic AliveTreat every date like one of the first dates. Be sweet, listen and sympathise. Be kind, don’t gush, and give him the time for him to talk about that most fascinating of subjects himself.
Strangely there is something rather fulfilling in indulging someone and talking to them on their subjects. After a while you not only become a good listener, but also more understanding and less selfish. And you can afford to do this, because you don’t see him every day, and you don’t want him to become part of your own life.
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